Thursday, March 16, 2006

Something Corny Like "My Mom Is MY Inspiration!"

No, I think a better title is "My Mom Could Kick Your Ass, But She Wouldn't Cause She's Chill Like That".

I won't quote Santino on this matter again, out of the fear of starting some kind of Santino-quoting trend. I'm pretty glad it seems people have stopped quoting Dave Chapelle and Napoleon Dynamite (Jen had to sit through two boys reading the entirty of the script in a study hall last year), I don't want six months of "It looks like a couch coming at you!" So, I'll just say, my mom is pretty awesome. She's amazing. Corned out yet?

I bring this up because I thought about this fact (that my mom is awesome) often last night. She took Jen and I down to a lovely little store called Miko Exoticwear last night- no pictures, sorry. Feel free to check out their website. Though, it's tasteful- not much as far as racey pictures to be found there, either, unless you head to the store section. Once again, kids- wait until you're a legal adult to explore adult stores and websites. It'll be a much better surprise.
Now, when I say "my mom took me to a hippie sex toy store", I don't mean she dropped us off. I mean she's the one that told me about this lovely place, she's been promising to take me for a while, she drove us there, shopped with us and discussed items with us. Not, you know, in excrutiating detail- that was the sales lady's job. One of the several, um, alternative-looking women who worked there was seriously enthusiastic about telling us which ones she really loved and how things worked. I call them "alternative" instead of hippies or punks because, hey, they might hate hippies, and they might hate punks. Then, they might hate the term "alternative"- let's say they were beautiful vixens with impeccable unique style.

Anyway, my mom, right, awesome. I've always considered writing a book semi-based on her life. Let me go straight to the major points on why my mom is, sigh, the shit. I hope she doesn't mind my sharing. I'm not even getting into some of the most awe-inspiring bits, this is just the stuff to put on the back cover.
-On the first day of first grade, she walked in wearing an eye patch. Also, due to her severe excema, her hands were wrapped in thick bandages.
-When she was a child, she woke up one morning and found her legs paralyzed. No one knew what was wrong. Her mother took her to church every day, and she was soon completely well.
-She once told me she was (in the woods at summer camp, I believe) feeling self-loathing due to her aforementioned excema. She told me that at that moments she wished she had no arms. Minutes later, a future friend of hers climbed down from a nearby tree. He had no arms.
-She went to bartending school (we have the textbooks to prove this one), and during her bartending career physically forced men out of her drinking establishment. Judging from pictures of her at the time, she was probably around 5'5" and probably weighed less than 130lbs.
-She partied with The Kinks. Hello.
-As I found out last night, a musician friend wrote this song about her (or, at least, he once claimed to). Doesn't she just sound like she could kick your ass? But she won't, because she's chill like that.
-Lately, she's been repeatedly threatening to commit crimes of arson against specific fast food restaurants moving into town.
-Eddie Izzard definitely checked her out at a DVD signing.

Ok, so that last bit isn't as monumental, but it was one of those moments in which I realized that my mom is cool. There's so much more to talk about, trust me. I just hope that's convincing enough. It sure impressed the heck out of me.


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